Friday, October 12, 2007

I am not one to share personal details of my life, but today is so big for me I need to get it out. 23 years ago I said hello and good-bye to my little boy. I lost my first child just prior to his birth. Even though this happened all those years ago, the pain is still as deeply felt as the day it happened. Each year on this day I travel with my family to the cemetery to celebrate my little boy's existence in my life. It is hard to say birthday and anniversary of his death. I want to celebrate that he was mine and he was loved. I still have so much guilt over his death, after all it was my body that failed to provide a safe vessel for him...it was me getting sick that took his life...and it was me that was not able to protect my child from his fate. My little boy would be 23 years old today, but he is forever that little 3 1/2 lb beautiful baby that I so clearly remember every day of my life. I am grateful that I went on to have 2 beautiful healthy babies, but those pregnancies scared me so, I was sooo lucky to have wonderful doctors that humored every twinge I felt with a reassuring visit to them. Even allowing more ultra-sounds to reassure me that my babies were growing perfectly and that all was well. But I can never forget that today my little angel was given his wings. It is so personal a pain only another mother who has lost a child can feel it...
Rest in peace my sweet baby Adam!

3 comments:

Jenny said...

Hi Marie. I am with you there. I lost my first boy just before his birth. We visit his grave every year, and talk openly about what he may have been like with our other children. I have a photo of my Henry beside my bed so I can see him everyday. He would be 9 now. I find that death is something that is not spoken about enough in our culture...I know it is hard for others - they never quite know what to say when I talk about Henry, but we try to be open and natural about it as possible with the family. Thankyou for sharing about Adam.
xxx

Laurie Anne said...

So sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to try and imagine. Sending you warm thoughts today :0)

tracyellen said...

Thank you so much for sharing this story! I know it must have been a difficult thing to do. It makes me think about so much in my current situation. I know I said my "new thing" was not to have children, but deep down that was just something I said to cover my frustration...